mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
