FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
