saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there's paper in my vomit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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