Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
