I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
