apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
