Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
