Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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