Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
