I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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