I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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