DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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