You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
