I'm going to jail i love you
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
