How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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