I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
