if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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