This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We named our party play list daddy issues
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
