Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
