U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
