TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
