My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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