Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
