You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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