I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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