so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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