Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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