My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
