quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
