im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
