i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
