I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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