a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
