I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
