you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
