I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
