Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
whose parrot is this?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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