mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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