Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
