I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
