I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
