when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
