Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ketchup is God's man juice
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
