No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
