Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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