thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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