Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
