i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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