This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
