There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
